Chinaphobia Enters the Political Lexicon

First, there was homophobia.  When news got out that grown men were not only engaging in unsanctioned bouts of Tummy-sticks but they also wanted to get married, every Republican south of the Mason/Dixon Line went running for their prayer groups.

Then, there was xenophobia.  The democratic nominee for president was half Kenyan and half…Hawaiian!?  Was he a Muslim?  A socialist?  A surfer?  A Zulu spearchucker?  Whatever he was, he was unfamiliar and there was much to fear.

And now, brace yourself for the latest fad in fear-pandering-for-votes strategery.  Break out the chopsticks and cadmium-based toys because Chinaphobia has arrived.  And guess what kids, it ain’t the GOP that’s peddling it.

In the hotly contested electoral battleground of Ohio, Democratic House congressional incumbent Zack Space launched an ad attacking his Republican opponent Bob Gibbs.  Watch the video below very closely; analysis to follow.

Okay, where to start.  So for a campaign ad to succeed, it must, in a span of thirty seconds, instill hate, fear or anger in the viewer to be directed at the desired target; in this case the target being Bob Gibbs.

Now, what are Americans most angry about these days?  Lost jobs.  What are Americans most afraid of?  Losing their jobs. 

That…and dragons.

Did you catch the dragon in that ad?  The image flickered across the screen so fast that your fear may have only subliminally registered at a subconscious level.  So if you missed it, here is the image freeze-framed.

Chinese Republican Dragon Incinerates 91,000 American Jobs

I don’t know about you but I thought I hated the Chinese when they were merely manipulating global trade by refusing to allow their renminbi to appreciate in value.  But now their dragons are steeling our jobs?  Fuck!  If you’re not outraged and petrified, then try screaming it.  THEIR DRAGONS ARE STEALING OUR JOBS!

Sorry, I get a little reactionary from time to time.  But as it turns out, I completely misinterpreted the mythological imagery utilized in this ad.  And after a comprehensive Googling of the word 'dragon,' I learned that they are fictional cratures and do not even exist outside of Hogwarts and Middle Earth.  So dragons are not stealing Americans’ jobs.  In fact, as the ad so eloquently points out, Bob Gibbs is “killing” them. 

Now here is where Zack Space should have really swung for the fences.  Why accuse Mr. Gibbs of merely “killing” jobs?  If your goal is terror-inducing imagery, don’t hold back.  Here’s a little something off the top of my head.  Let’s throw it out on the stoop and see if the cat licks it up.  “Free-trading Bob Gibbs killed 91,000 jobs, disemboweled them, raped their entrails, set them on fire and urinated on the ashes while reading exerts from the Koran.”  Mmmmm, doesn’t that just sing!

What's worse is that Space’s ad was not an isolated incident.  Spike Maynard, a Republican challenger from West Virginia utilized ominous Chinese music in his ad while accusing his opponent of creating wind-turbine jobs in China.   Gadzooks!  Wind turbines!  And our own Majority Leader Harry Reid ran an ad that showed images of Chinese factory workers and accused his opponent Sharron Angle of being a “foreign workers best friend” for supporting corporate tax breaks that encouraged outsourcing to China.  Fortunately, no dragons were employed or injured in any of these spots.  Thank Buddha because the last thing a highly contested senatorial campaign needs is negative press from PETA.   

Politics is sport.  Campaigns, especially at the regional level, are less about policy differences and more about which mudslinging, muckraking street fighter can deliver the  low-blow TKO.  Usually, this is the GOP’s turf.  And shame on Zack Space for treading all too efficiently on their territory.


This country has a rash of teen suicides, two wars, escalating debt, rampant unemployment and countless other problems to contend with.  The last things we need to worry about are dragons. 


Article first published as Chinaphobia Enters the Political Lexicon on Technorati.

Libations & Live Ammo: Together at Last!

Leaning to the left has always agreed with my political posturing and it has always been pretty easy for me.  Perhaps it wouldn’t be as easy if the right weren’t so goddamn crazy.

Exhibit A: Tennessee, Arizona, Georgia and Virginia have recently broadened the scope of the Second Amendment, allowing citizens to enter their favorite bar with a loaded gun.  Yes, you read that correctly.  In those states, you may now bring your gun into a bar. 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

(Blogger’s Note: Every time you see words in all-caps, that is me SCREAMING)

Yes, it is technically illegal for said patrons to drink while strapped but since most weapons are concealed, there is no practical way to enforce this.  Who is or is not drinking and packing will most likely be revealed after and only after the first shot is fired…and by ‘shot’ I mean bullet, not Jaeger-bomb.

In the long and glorious history of booze, there has been an equally distinguished history of bad decisions; all aided and abetted by excessive consumption.  Personally, I have only woken up to the usual, day-after ‘Why did I fuck that girl?’ ‘Why did I tell off my best friend?’ ‘Why did I beat up that mime?’ regrets.  Never have I woken up in a jail cell with powder burns on my trigger finger.

I love logic.  And I love math.  They are both proven commodities and there is comfort in the security of an unflappable equation.  Here are a few to nibble on.

Tequila(7) + Miller High Life(8) = Bad Decisions

Tequila(7) + Miller High Life(8) + Glock(9) = Drunken Impromptu Gunfight Manslaughter Nonconsensual Prison Sex

The N.R.A. - Pistol-whipping the common sense out of America since 1871

Recent Supreme Court rulings have further strengthened the gun lobby’s mission to turn the U.S. into the “well-regulated militia” that the Second Amendment champions.  Thank you John G. Roberts court and thank you George W. Bush!  Even after you’re gone, we continue to bask in the afterglow of your contributions to our great nation.  In addition to the Supreme Court decisions, there are currently over 250 state lawsuits in progress aimed at trimming the fat off gun regulations.

How many more Columbines and Virginia Techs will it take for people to wake the fuck up? 

Last year, Starbucks also ducked the wrath of the gun lobby by allowing its patrons to, in certain states, openly carry firearms into their coffee shops.  This ‘open carry’ lunacy strikes me as, I don’t know, a terrible fucking idea. Is it just me?

I frequent Starbucks several times a week and I have never had to pull a gun to get my doppio macchiato.  Usually ‘please,’ ‘thank you’ and $2.48 is enough.  Furthermore, your typical Starbucks barista is a high school student or aspiring bartender.  The odds of Billy The Kid serving you your chai tea latte are slim.  And members of al-Qaeda are most likely not employed there either because, much like the New York Yankees, Starbucks personnel must abide by a very strict ‘no facial hair’ policy…which clearly prohibits all variations of the bin Laden pubic nest.

           

I have fired a gun before and I’ll admit, it was a lot of fun.  But what is it with card-carrying members of the N.R.A. and their desire to turn bars and coffee shops into the OK Corrale?  At what point in human history did we completely lose our common sense?  When did our legal system come to allow the archaic verbiage of the Second Amendment to supersede basic logic?  Is there no chance that we will some day successfully subvert the tremendous clout of the gun lobby?  Questions, questions, questions and not a reasonable answer in sight.

           

And someone needs to start answering these questions because, and this is not up for debate or discussion, carrying a loaded gun into a bar IS FUCKING CRAZY!  Defending or advocating a citizen’s right to do so IS EQUALLY FUCKING CRAZY!             

Some frat boy getting plastered and accidentally violating his “No Fat Chicks” credo is not a life-destroying accident.  Nor is some over-chardonnayed housewife going on a late-night, on-line shopping spree.  But waking up and finding out you are guilty of shooting a stranger over the outcome of a beer-pong match should not be a legitimate bar-hopping safety hazard. 

Mission Statement

Perhaps you are wondering why I have asked you to participate in the inauguration of my blog.  ‘Who am I to blog?’ you may be asking yourself.  ‘What the fuck do I have to say about anything that is even remotely thought-provoking or worth listening to?’ That is something you are definitely asking yourself. 

And I hope you are asking these questions.  Because that will occupy the majority of my blog...asking questions. I will never profess to have any answers...but I will always ask what I feel are important questions.  Questions about politics, about sports, about entertainment, about the cyclonic zeitgeist that whirls about us ad infinitum.

I have been plagued by intermittent insomnia since I was twelve and when I cannot sleep, I have a tendency to think myself into such a frenzy that sleep is no longer a viable option.  And when I reach this point, I write.  I purge myself of all thoughts and feelings that have me writhing in cognitive dissonance instead of entering REM sleep. 

And it is at this ungodly hour at this stage in my life where I have decided to begin blogging.  Why?  Because it’s cheaper than therapy.  Or maybe it’s because I have this inexplicable, unquenchable desire to communicate my thoughts and feelings to as many people as possible.  I do it as an actor and I do it as a writer.  Actually, it is not so much a desire as it is a NEED.  I NEED TO EXPRESS.  I NEED TO COMMUNICATE.  I NEED TO BE HEARD AND I NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

So...can you hear me people?  Can you understand me?  I hope you can.  And if you can, please keep reading and share this blog with others that may as well. But if you can't, do us both a favor and find another cyber-wave to surf, find another blog to dry-hump and leave me alone with my self-indulgent, pseudo-intellectual sidewalk philosophy.  I have important things to communicate...and I need an audience that is eager to listen.

Is it arrogant for me to claim that I have interesting things to communicate?  Probably.  Is blogging a form or unbridled literary masturbation?  Absolutely.  But what can I say, I love jerking off.  And although I welcome feedback or input, I do not offer my opinions in hopes that you will state your affirmation or disapproval.  My ego does not inflate at your approval...nor does it deflate at your condemnation.  My thoughts are my thoughts and I choose to share them with you.  Because in all honesty, if I do not empty my head periodically, I will probably drive myself insane. 

So as of this moment...I blog...therefore I am. 

Holy War at Ground Zero

Much has been said about the controversial mosque to be built two blocks from Ground Zero and much more will be said.  Misinformation will swarm about.  Fear, hate, outrage and xenophobia will descend upon the financial district in a cloud that will cast New Yorkers in the most unflattering of lights.

And so the debate will continue…sides will be chosen, lines drawn in the sand, soap boxes perched upon and shouted from…and so I thought I’d weigh in on the discussion with a tactic that can occasionally get lost in such tepid crossfire…pragmatism.

reaction to the Mosque at Ground Zero

Being an agnostic, I don’t tend to get swept up in the ‘My God’s better than your God’ tumult that has catalyzed every Holy War since the dawn of weaponry.  So my cynical if not spiteful perception of organized religion does, to an extent, inoculate me from that element of the discussion.  And perhaps both the city of New York and the Nation of Islam would be best served to do the same.  Faith with the volume turned up too high quickly escalates into frenzy...so let’s all, just as a little experiment, leave our faith in God out of the conversation.

Constitutionally speaking, this is a cut and dry case of religious freedom and Imam Feisal Rauf (the spiritual leader behind the project) and his cohorts have every right to build this mosque…which in actuality is not the erection of a new mosque but the refurbishing of an already existing Muslim structure into a thirteen-story Islamic Community Center called the Cordoba House originally; a name that was later changed to Park 51.  Although the Center would include a prayer space, it would also include a 500-seat performing arts center, a culinary school, a swimming pool, a basketball court, a restaurant and other amenities.


So let's be honest, this is probably not a potential breading ground or training camp for terrorists unless they are planning on waging war on America by improving their jumpshots, battering us to death with a ferocious butterfly stroke or numbing our brains with offensive performance art. 

So despite all these purposes, we are still calling it a mosque because, well, ‘refurbished Islamic Community Center with prayer space, basketball court, swimming pool, etc.’ does not instill the same outrage that ‘Mosque at Ground Zero’ does, am I right?  So when interpreting the First Amendment of the Constitution, which clearly and indisputably states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion,” one would have no choice but to conclude that the Center can and should be built.

And the Nation of Islam has every right to wave around printed copies of the First Amendment anytime anyone has the temerity to say otherwise.  Yes, most Muslims are not suicidal terrorists like the motherfuckers that flew planes into buildings in my fucking city nine years ago.  And Muslims the world over have unfairly been grouped in with these same motherfuckers ever since and that is a shame.  But this predicament is an opportunity for the Nation of Islam...an opportunity to show compassion and put sympathy above principle.  If the Imam agreed to move the center, say…ten blocks further away, it would show the world that Muslims are of peace.  That not only do they care about practicing their faith but also about the sensitivity of a city and a country and this gaping wound that has not quite healed.

I have not been to Pearl Harbor since I was ten years old but I would wager that you will not find a Benihana or a karate dojo within two blocks of it.  I have never been to Auschwitz or Buchenwald either but I would also wager that you will not find a German cultural center or a Mercedes Benz dealer within two blocks of them.

There is a time and a place to battle over principles and religious rights.  And although the time may be now, the place is not and should not be two blocks from what is unequivocally the darkest stain on this city’s history. 

A Very Serious "Situation"

If a tree falls in the forest and it lands on Snooki...would anyone give a fuck?  There's no way to know for certain.  But always remember to ask questions.

Here's another one.  Do you know who "The Situation" is?  I'll bet you do.  And I would also bet that more middle and high school students know who "The Situation" is than Ban Ki-moon.  In case you just went cross-eyed, he's the Secretary General of the United Nations.  I also know who "The Situation" is and I am not proud of this fact.

I watched two episodes of The Jersey Shore last year...the first to see what all the outrage was about and the second to see what happened when a man punched a Snooki.  Do you know what a Snooki is?

(Blogger's Note: The U.S. Patent Office denied the Snooki on the right from trademarking her name because the Snooky on the left already claimed it.  Snooky with a 'y' is a cat from a children's book who fell off a boat and made new friends at the bottom of the ocean. Maybe Snooki with an 'i' could fall of a boat? Maybe she could learn to breathe underwater and make new aquatic friends too? Maybe? Possibly?  Please?  Please?)

Moving along.  After watching the show, I became nauseous and after watching the cavalcade of popularity that soon followed, I became upset.  But witnessing the phenomenon that it has become has gotten me downright furious.

Like the rest of you, I have had the terrible misfortune of growing up through the dawn of reality television, it's bumbling adolescence and it's present state of complete televisionistic domination.  I have watched as the amount of original programming has dissipated, virtually cut in half over the course of the last decade.  I have watched as the amount of acting jobs and writing jobs have diminished significantly.  I have watched all of this with equal portions of spite, outrage and disgust.  Now although this evolution pisses me off personally because of the dwindled professional opportunities that now exist for me as a result, the greater problem lies elsewhere.

How low will we allow the bar to drop?  How little will we continue to ask of our entertainment?

Perhaps it's not fair to blame "The Jersey Shore" for the state of reality entertainment.  It has been on this downward spiral for some time now, aided and abetted by the shitty smorgasbord of celebrity magazines available at any bodega, drug store or supermarket.  Now does this show constitute 'rock bottom'?  I would hope so but it's quite possibly not. Several other programs celebrating the Jersey way of life, whatever that may be, are already polluting the airwaves.

(Personal Blogger's Note - I am from Long Island, a suburban armpit hardly worth celebrating.  New Jersey is extensively the mentally challenged cousin of Strong Island and it should not be celebrated, deified, televised or emulated in any way.  These are the facts of the case and they are indisputable.)

Is this what we want people?  Do we want to watch beefcake morons fake-baking, binge-drinking and objectifying overweight women?  Do we want to watch stupid, shallow, superficial women bicker with accents that make my ears bleed and vomit at the same time?  It sucks that the marketplace has a demand for such bottom feeding television.  But if you are watching this show and padding the ratings, you are a fucking enabler.  YES I'M TALKING TO YOU!

I tried watching a recent episode and I had to stop because as I watched, I could feel my IQ plummeting by the second.  When did we start celebrating idiocy?  When did this demand for debauchery and general behavioral apathy reach such vile depths?  When did 'dancing beach morons' become the standard by which all reality programs must measure themselves?

If at any point in my life, I started referring to myself as "The Situation," my friends would kick my ass and rightfully so. If you publicly utililize such a moniker, you are a douschebag and you should banished to an island where you are only allowed to mingle with equal or greater douschebags.  You should not be put on television where your douschebaggery is allowed to spread to the masses.

Nor could I ever even fathom dating a woman that, with a straight face, referred to herself as J-Wow.  The very fact that either of these hemorrhoids could demand and receive thousands of dollars just to show up at a nightclub represents the complete disintegration of Social Darwinism as we know it.

The Jersey Shore - morons on parade

Only the strong used to survive.  Society would root out those deemed unworthy of success. Look at the picture above.  Look at these people.  Yes, they're kinda pretty to look at if you slop enough make-up and bronzer on 'em.  But they are bringing down the property value of the human race.  And they need to be stopped.  My proposal...euthanize the entire cast of "The Jersey Shore."  Or at least sterilize them.  We do not want these people propagating, procreating and contaminating the earth with future generations of knuckleheads.  We do not want it and we cannot allow it.  The very future of mankind depends on it.

Can a Newt Become President

Like I said, I don't have any fucking answers.  But I do believe that it's important to ask questions.  So here are a few to let your mind marinate over....can someone named Newt actually be the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nod?  Can Newt Gingrich actually be a step up from Sarah Palin?  What does that say for the state of the Republican party if it is?

I have no answers to these questions but they need to be asked.  And here is a question that really needs to be asked...what the fuck was Newt Gingrich thinking when he said that President Obama exhibited "Kenyan, anti-colonial" behavior"? What's most vexing is that I am not even sure if I should give Newt props for finding innovative ways to disguise racism or not.  Is this repackaging of the 'our president is dark, scary and foreign' fear smear truely innovative or is it tragically tiresome?  I'm not sure but once again...it's important to ask questions.

Newt Gingrich-America's Anti-anti-colonialist

Let's dissect this statement piecemeal and try to illuminate it shall we?  First, our president's behavior is Kenyan....the subtext to that being FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.  Because, as we all know, Kenya is evil, populated with the black, bloodless offspring of puppy-raping warlords so if our president is exhibiting Kenyan behavior, that does not bode well for the American people.  Kenyan behavior by our leader will no doubt result in a widespread swine-flu anthrax pandemic, legalized gay-marriage the world over, a nuclear hollocaust or something equally terrifying.  So be afraid...be very afraid.

Secondly, his behavior is anti-colonial. Now here is where I cannot decipher if old Newt is a truely creative mind or not.  I don't know what anti-collonialism is and I'll wager that ninety percent of all registered Republicans don't either.  But the emotional knee-jerk reaction of most homo-sapiens is to fear that which they do not understand.  So once again, my heart is filled with terror even though I am not entirely sure why.  Now does Newt know this and is he consciously exploiting this? If so that is the mark of the quintesential Republican candidate and the G.O.P. can rejoice because the future of the party is now and his name is Newt.

But maybe he does not know this.  Maybe he, unlike myself, never took Psychology 101 and I am giving him too much credit.  Maybe he is an unimaginative nitwit and his fear-mongering checklist had been exhausted and when pressed for comment, 'anti-colonialism' was the best he could come up with.

Maybe we should all Google 'anti-colonialism' so we have a better understanding of the danger looming behind our president's true Kenyan agenda. Because even though we fear what we don't understand, definitive concrete sources of danger are much more effective in instilling long-lasting terror.  So here is something to seriously fear.  The Republican party is searching for a 2012 poster child...and there is a very good chance that the only candidate more promising than Sarah Palin that they can muster...is Newt Gingrich. Be afraid people.  Be very afraid.