Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Libations & Live Ammo: Together at Last!

Leaning to the left has always agreed with my political posturing and it has always been pretty easy for me.  Perhaps it wouldn’t be as easy if the right weren’t so goddamn crazy.

Exhibit A: Tennessee, Arizona, Georgia and Virginia have recently broadened the scope of the Second Amendment, allowing citizens to enter their favorite bar with a loaded gun.  Yes, you read that correctly.  In those states, you may now bring your gun into a bar. 


(Blogger’s Note: Every time you see words in all-caps, that is me SCREAMING)

Yes, it is technically illegal for said patrons to drink while strapped but since most weapons are concealed, there is no practical way to enforce this.  Who is or is not drinking and packing will most likely be revealed after and only after the first shot is fired…and by ‘shot’ I mean bullet, not Jaeger-bomb.

In the long and glorious history of booze, there has been an equally distinguished history of bad decisions; all aided and abetted by excessive consumption.  Personally, I have only woken up to the usual, day-after ‘Why did I fuck that girl?’ ‘Why did I tell off my best friend?’ ‘Why did I beat up that mime?’ regrets.  Never have I woken up in a jail cell with powder burns on my trigger finger.

I love logic.  And I love math.  They are both proven commodities and there is comfort in the security of an unflappable equation.  Here are a few to nibble on.

Tequila(7) + Miller High Life(8) = Bad Decisions

Tequila(7) + Miller High Life(8) + Glock(9) = Drunken Impromptu Gunfight Manslaughter Nonconsensual Prison Sex

The N.R.A. - Pistol-whipping the common sense out of America since 1871

Recent Supreme Court rulings have further strengthened the gun lobby’s mission to turn the U.S. into the “well-regulated militia” that the Second Amendment champions.  Thank you John G. Roberts court and thank you George W. Bush!  Even after you’re gone, we continue to bask in the afterglow of your contributions to our great nation.  In addition to the Supreme Court decisions, there are currently over 250 state lawsuits in progress aimed at trimming the fat off gun regulations.

How many more Columbines and Virginia Techs will it take for people to wake the fuck up? 

Last year, Starbucks also ducked the wrath of the gun lobby by allowing its patrons to, in certain states, openly carry firearms into their coffee shops.  This ‘open carry’ lunacy strikes me as, I don’t know, a terrible fucking idea. Is it just me?

I frequent Starbucks several times a week and I have never had to pull a gun to get my doppio macchiato.  Usually ‘please,’ ‘thank you’ and $2.48 is enough.  Furthermore, your typical Starbucks barista is a high school student or aspiring bartender.  The odds of Billy The Kid serving you your chai tea latte are slim.  And members of al-Qaeda are most likely not employed there either because, much like the New York Yankees, Starbucks personnel must abide by a very strict ‘no facial hair’ policy…which clearly prohibits all variations of the bin Laden pubic nest.
I have fired a gun before and I’ll admit, it was a lot of fun.  But what is it with card-carrying members of the N.R.A. and their desire to turn bars and coffee shops into the OK Corrale?  At what point in human history did we completely lose our common sense?  When did our legal system come to allow the archaic verbiage of the Second Amendment to supersede basic logic?  Is there no chance that we will some day successfully subvert the tremendous clout of the gun lobby?  Questions, questions, questions and not a reasonable answer in sight.
And someone needs to start answering these questions because, and this is not up for debate or discussion, carrying a loaded gun into a bar IS FUCKING CRAZY!  Defending or advocating a citizen’s right to do so IS EQUALLY FUCKING CRAZY!             

Some frat boy getting plastered and accidentally violating his “No Fat Chicks” credo is not a life-destroying accident.  Nor is some over-chardonnayed housewife going on a late-night, on-line shopping spree.  But waking up and finding out you are guilty of shooting a stranger over the outcome of a beer-pong match should not be a legitimate bar-hopping safety hazard.