Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The GOP and the 1% - Soulmates?

I really can’t say for certain whether our nation’s current tax policy is merely ironic or a flagrant bitch-slap to the face of the middle class. I’m not even gonna get into the lower class because, as the GOP’s frontrunner so eloquently put it, I’m not really concerned about the very poor either. Food Stamp Nation can fend for itself.

But for all the cries of ‘class warfare’, socialism’ ‘the 99 %’ and whatever other colorful terms have been slung from either side of the aisle, there is a serious issue of income inequality facing our economy, aided and abetted by a tax code that is in dire need of a make-over.

And what is the GOP proposing to do about it?

Absolutely nothing.

I find that to be astounding. Am I alone on that?

Even in the face of the Occupy Movement and irrefutable evidence of an unparalleled concentration of wealth, the Republican position on the matter continues to be ‘cut taxes for the wealthy.’ In an upcoming presidential election that is rife for a Republican reclamation of the White House, they do not have anything even remotely representing a solution to this issue. I have not heard John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Mitt Romney or any other prominent member of the GOP propose an overhaul of the tax code that levels the playing field.  

The Buffet rule was proposed by our nation’s second richest American and incidentally, it was supported by Mr. Gates, who currently holds the #1 ranking. Yet all those other millionaires and billionaires who so impotently lie on the outskirts of the Forbes 400 seem to be in dire need of Republican support. And they continue to get it.

And it is both apropos and for all Republican’s hoping to take back the White House, unfortunate, that in this era of income inequality, they are pinning their hopes on the posterchild for the 1%.

Even though Mittens likes to joke that he is unemployed, most unemployed don’t rake in $60,000 a day. (Try not to vomit but yes, that is an accurate approximation) And most Americans are not fortunate enough to pay 13.9% of their taxes on income, regardless of where that income came from.

Blogger’s sidenote: Hey did you ever notice that when anagrammed, Romney encapsulates the word ‘money’ with an extra ‘r’ for ‘rich’?  

In case you haven’t noticed, our economy isn’t doing very well. In spite of the fact that unemployment rates have reached the same rate that they were when Obama took office, 8.3%, the general outlook is still south of optimistic. I hate to speak in bumper stickers…but the 99% still isn’t exactly flourishing.

And what does Romney, who sadly enough, is looking like the Republican nominee,  propose? Brace yourselves. Seriously, this should be a ‘what the fuck’ moment in your lives. If it isn’t, defibrillate yourself.

According to the Tax Policy Center, a non-partisan institute, Romney’s tax plan would raise, that’s right folks, RAISE, taxes on households making less than $20,000 a year. Not individuals, HOUSEHOLDS with numerous people living within them. People…homo sapiens. And it would not only raise them, it would raise them by…wait for it…60%! 

I just shat myself. Did you? If not…again…the defibrillator.

But Romney’s tax plan is not all gloom and rain clouds, it would cut taxes for households making between 50 and 75K a year…by a whopping 2%! That equals about $250 dollars by the way…which those households could use to treat themselves to a new space heater or splurge on a luxury item like a year’s worth of indoor plumbing.

But the best part about R-money’s tax plan is what it does to bridge this income inequality gap. (Incidentally, I’ve already trademarked the term R-money so don’t use it without my express written consent which you will never get)

R-money’s tax plan would cut taxes for millionaires (yes, people making at least a million dollars a year) by 15%, resulting in an additional $146,000 a year that would land in the pockets of said millionaires…as opposed to the $250 dollars that would land in the pockets of the ‘mildly poor’, who are apparently just as little of a concern to Mitt as the ‘very poor.’

So what would equate to an $180 billion reduction in tax revenues per year would accomplish one goal, to…wait for it…that’s right, make rich people like Mitt Romney even richer. No wonder Donald Trump has recently latched onto Romney’s coattails.

So yet again, the GOP is held hostage by it’s own venom. With a message cloaked in racism and an unhealthy infusion of religion into politics, roughly fifty million republicans will vote AGAINST their own economic interests. They will vote AGAINST their financial future.

This has been and remains to be, the biggest and admittedly impressive coup d’etat of the Republican party…their ability to convince its caucus to cast their votes in favor of their own peril.

Goddamn that’s impressive!

How do you do that? How do you convince people to vote for a person that will make their lives harder?

Well, sadly enough, it’s actually not that difficult. You tell an uber-christian, homophobic, slightly more racist cross-section (a very large cross-section actually, most of the country) of the American populous that their president is a Muslim socialist and they will be considerably open to the idea. Tell those same voters that our president wants to kill God’s embryonic children, marry queers and give all your hard-earned money to pay for food stamps and welfare for minority crackheads and you will succeed in chalking up one more vote for the GOP…a party whose current presidential frontrunner’s plan for improving income inequality is to raise taxes on the poor and cut them for the rich.

What the fuck are you thinking Republican America?

Do you hate black people and homosexuals? If so, fine, hate them. But don’t let your hatred for them raise taxes on the poor and drastically minimize our social safety net while broadening income inequality for years to come.

Do you want to preserve the life of countless fetal souls? Then rear your children properly and keep them from getting impregnated. But don’t elect a political fuckdoll who has less of a soul than any embryo to begin with.

Obama wants to level the playing field and create a tax code that closes the inequality gap that has been growing for far too long. Voters of the United States of America, I implore, you…let him.   

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Everybody’s Gone Mormon…Mormon USA!!! (sung to the tune of the Beach Boys classic)

Following a commanding Romney victory in Florida, it is finally time for us to face our worst fears and surrender to them. On inauguration day, less than one year from now…we will be welcoming in our first Mormon president.

Perhaps what is most alarming about this is that a such a notion induces more confusion than fear. Well, that is because this country is very ignorant; especially in their knowledge of the Mormon faith. If they were blessed with my knowledge and foresight, they would be very afraid. I have seen the future once again…and it is terrifying. 

So take a voyage into a horrifying tomorrow. Journey with me…into a Mormon America.

But before you leave, put on a clean pair of Mormon magic panties. I am wearing mine. They will neutralize your mojo but they will protect you from evil and venereal disease.

I know this underwear is an easy target but never the less; it is one we need to hold under a microscope. Because beyond their general silliness are social and financial ramifications that will alter the landscape of America.

When Romney is elected, all Republican’s will be forced to convert to the Mormon faith. The Tea Party is running the Republican Party these days and after failing to come up with a Romney alternative of their own, they will have to team up with Mittens because a house divided amongst itself cannot defeat a black, Muslim incumbent.

So with roughly 55 million registered Republicans marching around in Mormon magic panties (I’ve trademarked that term so don’t even think about using it), the underwear industry will tank. Victoria’s Secret’s stock will plummet. Calvin Klein, likewise. Billions of dollars in taxable lingerie revenue will be lost. But more importantly…many people will simply stop having sex.

How do I know this? Easy. Would you fuck anyone wearing that?

I didn’t think so. So with less people having unprotected sex, that will result in less unwanted pregnancies, less childbirths, etcetera. Gerber stocks will take a dive and when Toys R Us declares bankruptcy, Geoffrey the giraffe will commit suicide.  OshKosh B’Gosh’s stranglehold on the child clothing market will finally be released and they will struggle to stay afloat.

Planned Parenthoods will close across the country and the abortion debate will disappear entirely, lending credibility to conservatives’ long-held and fallacious belief that women should not have control over their own bodies. This will both validate and vilify Mitt Romney's official position on the issue.

With countless people yearning for spiritual security, a nation-wide obsession with the ‘laying of hands’ will ensue. Bon Jovi’s “Lay Your Hands on Me” will catapult to the top of the Billboard charts where it will remain for the duration of the Romney administration, serving as a potent anecdote to Bieber Fever.

Polygamy will provide a convenient outlet for every American man suffering from commitment issues, most of whom are either horny Democrats, Catholic priests or sexually repressed Republican Senators. Mormonism’s numbers will double and The Real Housewives of New Jersey will be canceled, replaced by The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Nobody will watch that show either.

Children across the country will reluctantly be forced to tithe ten percent of their lunch money every day…and ten percent of their weekly allowance. This sudden influx of funds will make The Mormon Church the largest multi-national conglomerate in the country and with no other job prospects, Newt Gingrich will be employed as their chief consultant though not, I repeat, NOT a lobbyist. 

But the most devastating consequence of the Romney presidency will be his position as America’s foremost political AND spiritual leader. The already flimsy separation between Church and State will disintegrate entirely and with Mitt’s flip-flopping proclivities, his bully pulpit will be a very confusing place.

He will save our souls in his first term only to damn them during his re-election bid. He will vehemently defend both positions. His successful campaign to overturn Roe v. Wade will be rendered moot because no one is having sex anyway. A few years later, he will propose overturning it yet again, denying that he ever championed its reversal in the first place. In 2016, Republicans will conveniently forget this again as they support his re-election campaign because as a result of Herman Cain’s incarceration for sexually harassing a deep dish pizza, there are simply no other viable Republican candidates.

I wish my clairvoyant skills could foretell a more promising future. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there is still hope. Maybe Independent voters will figure out that returning our country to Bush-era policies will re-torpedo an economy that is actually showing signs of life. Maybe they will realize that the Mormon faith is a step away from Scientology and a vote for Mitt is akin to putting a Thetan in the White House. Maybe. Let us hope people. Let us always hope.