Sunday, May 20, 2012

White Power Joins the Endangered Species List

Years ago, when the world’s greatest golfer was black and the world’s greatest rapper was white, I interpreted this to be a sign of the nearly approaching apocalypse. But thankfully, Tiger Woods, due to a steady diet of white women, saw his domination over the world of golf disintegrate in a swarm of tabloid shrapnel. Then Eminem ran out of people to piss off and subsequently faded into pseudo-obscurity.

And all was right in the world.

But not for long.

Soon after, America would elect its first black president and if that wasn’t enough, three years later an Asian Harvard graduate would take over the NBA and a black Republican came a lot closer than he should have to being a player in the GOP primaries.

A black Republican!

It’s safe to say that if Herman Cain were gay, the sun would turn as black as sackcloth made of goat hair and the moon would turn blood red, followed by locusts, earthquakes and so on and so forth.

Naturally, as a white man, I tremble as each of these developments threatens to dethrone my brethren and me as the undisputed Master Race. And while casually perusing the New York Times yesterday, I found yet another sign that White Power’s potency is in fact diminishing.

For the first time in American history, the birth of white children fell beneath 50%. That’s right. White births comprised of 49.6 % of all childbirths making honkey the new minority. 

We’re all gonna fucking die!

Okay so this is only one year of honkey minority babies and yes, it may be a statistical anomaly but I wouldn’t wait to start panicking. By then, it may be too late.

In 1990, Public Enemy released the album “Fear of a Black Planet.” It is proving to be prophetic as that fear is now upon us in a big, big way.

What is most alarming about the 49.6 % figure is that of that percentage, 9 % will become homosexuals, 16 % will grow up to be agnostics or atheists and judging by current population trends, 22 % will life in cities where racism and NRA membership are far less prevalent.

Are you panicking yet? You should be because judging by the math, (which has not been researched in any way, shape or form) that means that only 2.6 % of the children born last year will grow up to be heterosexual, gun-toting torch-bearers for the great white hope of tomorrow.

If you listen closely, you can hear our dreams shattering…and the faint thud of rap music that is getting louder by the moment. Someone must put an end to all this Linsanity. And in this time of need, God is simply not answering our prayers. Thankfully, the Super PACs are.

Intent on preventing four more years of an Ebony and Ivory White House palette, Joe Rickets, the founder of TD Ameritrade who is involved with several conservative Super PACs, is hoping to unleash a series of ads linking Obama to Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Thank God! John McCain refused to take the low road four years ago in a watershed moment for a GOP, an uncharacteristic display of political integrity for a party that is pretty anemic in matters of moral fiber. Well, McCain isn’t around this time to stick his righteous snout into the middle of this celebration of 1st Amendment rights that also validates everything magical and wonderful about the Citizens United Supreme Court ruling. 

Super PACs have full reign baby! They can say whatever they want, they can get as ugly as they want and they are surely not going to be challenged by a political gastropod like Mitt Romney.

Aaahhh Super PACs…the nameless, faceless henchmen of the campaign trail. Without them, the Republican party might actually be forced to campaign from its ideological platform comprised of such infallible theories as ‘trickle down economics’, ‘eternal war-time tax cuts for the rich’ and ‘the annihilation of all social safety nets.’ Because that would not be the easiest campaign to win.

So it is by the grace of God that we still have hate-mongering and race-bating to fan the flames of the furious far right. That hatred and bigotry is the lifeblood of the GOP’s base and we would flounder and falter without it.

Although the Wright ads, whose content are far too despicable to even mention here, have not been green-lit as of yet, it’s promising that they are at least being proposed. Because there is no better way to stimulate genuine political debate than to play decade-old sound bites from a man not running for president who is no longer affiliated with either candidate.

So on behalf of myself and White America, I would like to thank Joe Rickets and his Super PAC army for once again dragging black people, the Democratic Party, universal health care, hopes for a compassionate welfare state and the entire American political arena back into the gutter where it all belongs.

Because this election could very well turn into a legitimate debate about two men with different ideas for this country. And that is a debate the GOP simply cannot win.