Sunday, May 20, 2012

White Power Joins the Endangered Species List

Years ago, when the world’s greatest golfer was black and the world’s greatest rapper was white, I interpreted this to be a sign of the nearly approaching apocalypse. But thankfully, Tiger Woods, due to a steady diet of white women, saw his domination over the world of golf disintegrate in a swarm of tabloid shrapnel. Then Eminem ran out of people to piss off and subsequently faded into pseudo-obscurity.

And all was right in the world.

But not for long.

Soon after, America would elect its first black president and if that wasn’t enough, three years later an Asian Harvard graduate would take over the NBA and a black Republican came a lot closer than he should have to being a player in the GOP primaries.

A black Republican!

It’s safe to say that if Herman Cain were gay, the sun would turn as black as sackcloth made of goat hair and the moon would turn blood red, followed by locusts, earthquakes and so on and so forth.

Naturally, as a white man, I tremble as each of these developments threatens to dethrone my brethren and me as the undisputed Master Race. And while casually perusing the New York Times yesterday, I found yet another sign that White Power’s potency is in fact diminishing.

For the first time in American history, the birth of white children fell beneath 50%. That’s right. White births comprised of 49.6 % of all childbirths making honkey the new minority. 

We’re all gonna fucking die!

Okay so this is only one year of honkey minority babies and yes, it may be a statistical anomaly but I wouldn’t wait to start panicking. By then, it may be too late.

In 1990, Public Enemy released the album “Fear of a Black Planet.” It is proving to be prophetic as that fear is now upon us in a big, big way.

What is most alarming about the 49.6 % figure is that of that percentage, 9 % will become homosexuals, 16 % will grow up to be agnostics or atheists and judging by current population trends, 22 % will life in cities where racism and NRA membership are far less prevalent.

Are you panicking yet? You should be because judging by the math, (which has not been researched in any way, shape or form) that means that only 2.6 % of the children born last year will grow up to be heterosexual, gun-toting torch-bearers for the great white hope of tomorrow.

If you listen closely, you can hear our dreams shattering…and the faint thud of rap music that is getting louder by the moment. Someone must put an end to all this Linsanity. And in this time of need, God is simply not answering our prayers. Thankfully, the Super PACs are.

Intent on preventing four more years of an Ebony and Ivory White House palette, Joe Rickets, the founder of TD Ameritrade who is involved with several conservative Super PACs, is hoping to unleash a series of ads linking Obama to Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Thank God! John McCain refused to take the low road four years ago in a watershed moment for a GOP, an uncharacteristic display of political integrity for a party that is pretty anemic in matters of moral fiber. Well, McCain isn’t around this time to stick his righteous snout into the middle of this celebration of 1st Amendment rights that also validates everything magical and wonderful about the Citizens United Supreme Court ruling. 

Super PACs have full reign baby! They can say whatever they want, they can get as ugly as they want and they are surely not going to be challenged by a political gastropod like Mitt Romney.

Aaahhh Super PACs…the nameless, faceless henchmen of the campaign trail. Without them, the Republican party might actually be forced to campaign from its ideological platform comprised of such infallible theories as ‘trickle down economics’, ‘eternal war-time tax cuts for the rich’ and ‘the annihilation of all social safety nets.’ Because that would not be the easiest campaign to win.

So it is by the grace of God that we still have hate-mongering and race-bating to fan the flames of the furious far right. That hatred and bigotry is the lifeblood of the GOP’s base and we would flounder and falter without it.

Although the Wright ads, whose content are far too despicable to even mention here, have not been green-lit as of yet, it’s promising that they are at least being proposed. Because there is no better way to stimulate genuine political debate than to play decade-old sound bites from a man not running for president who is no longer affiliated with either candidate.

So on behalf of myself and White America, I would like to thank Joe Rickets and his Super PAC army for once again dragging black people, the Democratic Party, universal health care, hopes for a compassionate welfare state and the entire American political arena back into the gutter where it all belongs.

Because this election could very well turn into a legitimate debate about two men with different ideas for this country. And that is a debate the GOP simply cannot win. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Racist? Verbal Diarrhea? Or Just Plain Ignorant? GOP All-Stars At It Again

Last August, when Republican Congressman Doug Lamborn used the term “tar baby” in a condemnation of Obama’s economic policies, he apologized, backtracked and recanted usage of the term because…well, he’s probably not a moron. And using a term like “tar baby” when castigating our nation’s first black president is so offensive that if one has aspirations of re-election in any state other than Alabama (he reps Colorado by the way), apologizing for such a slur is a smart move.

But last week, when Michelle Bachman said “This is just about waving a tar baby in the air and saying that something else is a problem” when discussing Obama’s energy policy, I honestly can’t ascertain if this comment is racist (which is quite possible) or if she is so oblivious to social mores that the statement’s inherent bigotry escapes her (which is equally likely).

Am I being naïve? Maybe part of me wants to believe that an elected official and ex-presidential hopeful with such a close relationship to Jesus Christ would never dare utter such a hate-mongering slur.

I can anal-rape your soul with my thoughts!
But one has to wonder. The woman does have 247 foster children. The woman conducted her entire on-camera post-State of the Union address to an imaginary friend standing camera left. The woman publicly proposed that HPV vaccines cause mental retardation and when  look into the eyes of this photo, I see a woman not only capable of racism, but also arson, battery and kitten genocide.

So was she making a not-so-subtle jab at Barry? I’m sorry but I can not recall ever having even heard the fucking term ‘tar baby’ used to describe a ‘sticky situation’ which both Lamborn and Bachmann have cited in defense of their comments. Taken by itself, one slip like this would be easier to dismiss. But when you take these comments and place them alongside a litany of GOP remarks, one starts to glimpse a larger, more disturbing picture. 

Newt Gingrich, who for some reason is still running for President, famously made headlines earlier in the year when he said “Obama is the best food stamp president in American history.” And unlike Bachmann, I’m willing to concede that Newt has control over his verbal faculties and knows exactly what he’s saying. In case you missed the subtext to his little quote, here it is. ‘Our black president has gotten more black people on welfare than any of our WHITE presidents ever did. And the WHITE taxpayers are footing the bill!’

So how far have we come from the “He’s a terrorist” shouts of the McCain campaign trail? How far have we come from this picture that was circulated via email by California Republican official Marilyn Davenport?

Not very far.

And now, in the latter stages of the ‘Who can out-white each other’ primary, the Republicans have anointed Mitt Romney as their chosen honky. It was a squeaker but in the end, Santorum’s sweater-vest, God-peddling vengeance was no match for Mitt’s Mormony, country club pedigree.

Eager to hop on the accidental racism bandwagon, Romney recently unveiled his latest prop; a non-racist, I repeat NON-RACIST sign that says simply and quite elegantly “Obama Isn’t Working.” And again, like all the other slings mentioned above, this one too can be written off as ‘inadvertently racist.’ Republicans will predictably claim it is an assessment of Obama’s policies and not an affront to the stereotype of black men as lazy, jobless welfare recipients. But come on man. Seriously.

It begs one to question how much racism is clouding the upcoming election. I like to think that after four years, it would be less of a factor. But a recent Pew Survey showed that among white male voters, Obama trails Romney by 26 percentage points.

By comparison, McCain garnered more white male votes by a 16 percent margin. So Obama faces more formidable obstacles than a sluggish economy and high gas prices. He faces an enormous deficit amidst this voting block.

So here I am, a white male voter, asking myself what polls might reveal if Obama were white. Are these poll marks comparable to what any incumbent president presiding over a bad economy would receive? Or are they those of a black incumbent president? I hate the fact that I am even asking this question but I feel it’s a valid one.

I never liked John Kerry. But would a black George W. Bush have received a second term with a resume that included Iraq, Katrina and his annihilation of a five trillion dollar budgetary surplus?

Probably not.

But conjecture like that is futile. In the mean time, let us hope that this sideshow does not persist through to November. Let’s hope Republican leaders put a stop to this. I like to think that the GOP is better than these bullshit shenanigans. But I could very well be wrong.   

Friday, April 13, 2012

In Mitt They Trust - Finally…A Candidate Emerges…Sort Of

Can you hear it? If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint shrieks of 1.5 million home-schooled evangelical Christians. You can hear creationists, pro-lifers and Tea Party zealots from the Bible Belt to Wasilla crying out in one unified and desperate plea, screaming a question that will never be answered…’Rick, why have you forsaken me?!’

Why? The answer is actually pretty simple and I’m gonna go ahead and provide it for you. It’s because God doesn’t really like these people as much as they’d like to think. And furthermore, God, even with all his omnipotence, cannot in and of him or herself, win a primary when a general election looms on the horizon.

This is good news!!!

Well, not for attendees of Jesus Camp or people who agree with Santorum’s claim that college is for snobs and GEDs and elbow grease will lead us into the future. But it is great news for those who identify themselves as moderate, centrist, independent, reasonable and/or sane.

Because now we can get serious. Barring an unprecedented rise from the ashes by Newt; which, given Romney’s general unlikability is not completely impossible, we can now officially anoint Mitt as the GOP nominee. Wait a second… Is Ron Paul even running anymore? I honestly don’t know. If not, I’ll miss him. He’s kind of adorable and he makes me giggle.

Moving along. So the race to the extreme right is over and the wooing of conservatives has crescendoed in conclusive failure. Is that even a term? If not, let us anoint this political moment as such…a conclusive failure…evidence that pandering to the extreme right does not win elections and doing so is a waste of time for EVERYONE. Democrats and Republicans.

Because trying to out-Christian each other will not augment or enhance our fragile yet modestly improving economy. Doing so is futile anyway because Romney is Mormon and let’s be honest, that’s not exactly a cult…but it ain’t exactly Christian either.

Proudly flashing your mega-pro-life credentials will not spur productive discourse about how to handle Iran, how to intervene in Syria should the situation continue to deteriorate or how to continue fighting terrorists in Afghanistan and beyond.

Seeing who can out-fellate Paul Ryan’s fantastically preposterous budget will not bring us any closer to a budget that has a remote chance of passing both houses of a Senate that has not been playing very nicely with each other.

Finding out who can shout “Drill, baby drill!” the loudest will not bring us any closer to energy independence nor will debating how many gunracks can fit in the trunk of a Volt help prevent another Trayvon Martin incident.

So let’s get serious. Finally.

Let’s talk about the vast differences of an incumbent president who embraces the Buffet Rule as a foundation for tax reform; one that will help bridge the ever-widening equality gap. Then let’s talk about the guy who made a pretty damn good living chopping up companies and laying off the spare parts…errr, I mean, people.

Since the right is so obsessed with morals and character, let’s talk about a president who set Health Care Reform at the top of an ambitious agenda right in the middle of a financial meltdown he helped mitigate. Then let’s discuss the moral character of a man who tied a diarrhetic dog to the roof of his fucking car.

Let’s talk about an incumbent that killed Osama bin Laden and helped backseat drive Libya into stability then let’s talk about the guy who thinks earning $374,000 in speaking fees in one year is “not very much” money.

Listen to Barry sing two lines of Al Green and then listen to Mittens singing ‘America the Beautiful’ in a failed attempt to sound like a homo sapien instead of the spineless, flip-flopping automaton that he is.

Let’s talk. Let’s seriously talk about these two very different men, their vastly different worldviews and their startlingly different ideas for our country.

Let’s talk, and I’m not joking, about whether or not Mitt Romney honestly believes that his underwear will protect him from evil spirits, temptations of the flesh or increases in Medicaid costs. Because if the Republican presidential nominee believes in divine super-panties, that is something voters should know before going into a booth and casting their ballot.

Let’s talk about a president that passed the largest Health Care overhaul in American history. And then let’s talk about a Massachusetts governor who passed the same fucking thing but lacks the conviction to admit it proudly because doing so would be politically inconvenient in a primary climate governed by extremism not by logic and certainly not by compassion.

It’s time to start seriously talking about the choices facing this country. I will miss the silliness. But it’s time to get serious nonetheless.

Granted, that would be easier if the Republican candidate weren’t such a fucking joke.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

GOP’s Culture War Soon to Claim Largest Casualty…The GOP!

Aaaaahh it’s primary season for the GOP! With spring bearing down on America, you can almost hear chirping sparrows nesting and flowers blossoming. Almost. You can’t because they are drowned out by the cacophony of the Republican Party’s culture wars.

As our economy continues to show signs of improvement (which, as a minor side note, is kind of a result of some big decisions made by the incumbent president) and Obama’s approval ratings climbing, the Republicans are doing everything they can to distract voters by going back to their ever-reliable failsafe; cultural issues that will have no discernable impact on those voters’ lives.

And as usual, their reason for engaging in said culture wars is because they have no actual ideas of their own. ‘Cut the deficit even if it stifles our fragile recovery, cut taxes for the rich and trickle down magic will manifest’, bla bla fucking bla.

So here they go again…waging war on anyone who champions the rights of gays, minorities and, lately, pro-choicers. These culture wars have been going on for decades, shape shifting and evolving as Obama entered the public arena. Misplaced Islamophobia ran rampant, soon to be followed by the birtherism movement. Birtherism. That is actually a fucking term in the American lexicon now. Staggering isn’t it?

A black president? Come on!!!
And remember GOP presidential hopeful (and hopeless) Newt’s claim that our president displayed “Kenyan anti-colonialism.” Shit man, it’s been three years and I still don’t know what that means but it sure does sound scary, un-American and really, really BLACK!

These sentiments have not vanished. They pop up intermittently as various Republican stooges make preposterous claims about Obama not being a good Christian, or not being Christian enough or not anti-Muslim enough. Such claims are nonsensical bullshit and go away quickly, rightly so. But Republicans keep firing away, trying and occasionally succeeding to rile up a base that is eternally starved for red meat that is filling though not altogether nourishing.

Let’s get back to abortion and contraception since they have been so prevalent in the news lately. These issues never fail to whip the GOP base into a frenzy, driving them further from the center and further from reason. Just look at what has been going on.

The Senate rejects a Republican effort to restrict health care that covers birth control at Catholic universities and institutions and what happens? Rush Limbaugh takes to the airwaves calling a college student a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’. Come on dude. And what other highlights have this issue spurred recently? In yet another grotesque attempt to cater to the base, Rick Santorum, while campaigning in Michigan, said that JFK’s speech on the separation of church and state “makes him throw up.”

Okay. Nothing extreme or psychotic about professing that something written in the Constitution makes you want to vomit. Nothing at all.

It’s kind of remarkable that the GOP is too stupid to realize that rhetoric this extreme is crippling their chances come November. It should be common knowledge that Republicans don’t have to worry about procuring the votes of their base because those members will never cast a ballot for that Kenyan anti-colonial black guy who sings Al Green in public…even though he sings much better than Mitt Romney.

And, FYI, the Republican Party does consist of a few women. And those few sexually active Republican women that do NOT spend their summers at Jesus Camp might be a little turned off (pun intended?) by what Democrats are already hailing as ‘the Republican war on women.’

And this is where we find ourselves…in a political climate dictated by the most extreme faction of the Republican Party. Tea Partiers, take your bows. Although this has been going on for quite some time, you helped to re-imagine it for modern times. Way to go.

And the race into the gutter continues. Last week, when talking about the hybrid Chevy Volt, Newt Gingrich unleashed what I believe to be one of the worst lines ever uttered in the history of American politics. He said, and yes, this is an actual quote, “You can’t put a gun rack in a Volt.”

It is an oratorical marvel to be able to pack so much bile and ignorance into one nine-word sentence and as a writer; a small part of me is awestruck with admiration…or maybe revulsion. Let’s illuminate all the things about this statement that are so horribly wrong.

One: and I’m gonna channel Wayne Campbell here, a car should not have ‘a gun let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.’

Two: the statement is inherently false. See Exhibit A:

Yes, the Chevy Volt fits a gun rack with room to spare in which you could fit a dear carcass. Or more guns.
Three: that’s not the point…you shouldn’t have guns in your fucking car. PERIOD!

Four: right before making that statement, he heralded the Volt as “an interesting experimental car” which, along with the nugget that immediately followed, further suggested that electrical cars are less manly and less American than gas-guzzling internal-combustion cars that destroy the environment while supporting the economies of nations that fund terrorists hell-bent on destroying America.

Five: this assault on electric cars reinforces the claims of the GOP that global warming is a myth perpetrated by liberal, atheistic scientists. 

Six: what this country needs after yet another senseless high school mass-homicide, is less stringent gun control laws.

Seven: In case you didn’t hear me the first time. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GUNS IN YOUR FUCKING CAR. PERIOD!

Karl Rove calls guns an ‘anger point’ and it is, proving time and time again that it will never fail to trigger a potent, Pavlovian response from conservatives.

So further to the right they go. Further and further; besmirching logic, alienating independents and annihilating Republican chances of re-taking the white house. Now, as a fervent Democrat, why do I oppose this?

Because I am a Darwinist god damnit. I believe in survival of the fittest as a principle, as a fundamental truth, as a moral imperative. And the Republican Party is shitting on it.

Two opposing political parties battling for supremacy should result in victory for the best party with the best ideas that result in the best policies and the best lives for all Americans. That is what should happen in any race, political or otherwise. The best athlete should win. But the republicans are running a fucking potato sack race and they are funning backwards.

It has been downright comical to watch the hopefuls, from Perry to Caine to Romney, falling over themselves in efforts to portray themselves as the most worthy conservative torch-barer. Meanwhile, the presidential candidate that consistently polled among the lowest and has long since dropped out, was also the only reasonable Republican who had any chance of winning over independents; John Huntsman.

So as the only legitimate conservative in the mix (Sorry Newt, you can’t have nine divorces on your resume and qualify as such), will Rick Santorum triumph? He just might.

And if he does, what will happen as a result of this self-destructive conservative pandering? Well, it can, probably and hopefully will culminate in the re-election of Barack Obama. And maybe this is a wake-up call the Republican Party will learn from. Because as Joe Nocera wrote in the Times on Saturday, “An alcoholic doesn’t stop drinking until he hits rock bottom. The Republican Party won’t change until it hits bottom. Only [a Santorum loss] offers that possibility.”

So maybe that’s it. Maybe an electoral ass kicking is what the GOP needs to change its ways. Lets hope so. Because these social wars are bad for Republican’ hopes for a long and healthy political life. They are bad for our two-party system. They are bad for common sense and they are bad for America.

But they sure are great for Democrats!  

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The GOP and the 1% - Soulmates?

I really can’t say for certain whether our nation’s current tax policy is merely ironic or a flagrant bitch-slap to the face of the middle class. I’m not even gonna get into the lower class because, as the GOP’s frontrunner so eloquently put it, I’m not really concerned about the very poor either. Food Stamp Nation can fend for itself.

But for all the cries of ‘class warfare’, socialism’ ‘the 99 %’ and whatever other colorful terms have been slung from either side of the aisle, there is a serious issue of income inequality facing our economy, aided and abetted by a tax code that is in dire need of a make-over.

And what is the GOP proposing to do about it?

Absolutely nothing.

I find that to be astounding. Am I alone on that?

Even in the face of the Occupy Movement and irrefutable evidence of an unparalleled concentration of wealth, the Republican position on the matter continues to be ‘cut taxes for the wealthy.’ In an upcoming presidential election that is rife for a Republican reclamation of the White House, they do not have anything even remotely representing a solution to this issue. I have not heard John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Mitt Romney or any other prominent member of the GOP propose an overhaul of the tax code that levels the playing field.  

The Buffet rule was proposed by our nation’s second richest American and incidentally, it was supported by Mr. Gates, who currently holds the #1 ranking. Yet all those other millionaires and billionaires who so impotently lie on the outskirts of the Forbes 400 seem to be in dire need of Republican support. And they continue to get it.

And it is both apropos and for all Republican’s hoping to take back the White House, unfortunate, that in this era of income inequality, they are pinning their hopes on the posterchild for the 1%.

Even though Mittens likes to joke that he is unemployed, most unemployed don’t rake in $60,000 a day. (Try not to vomit but yes, that is an accurate approximation) And most Americans are not fortunate enough to pay 13.9% of their taxes on income, regardless of where that income came from.

Blogger’s sidenote: Hey did you ever notice that when anagrammed, Romney encapsulates the word ‘money’ with an extra ‘r’ for ‘rich’?  

In case you haven’t noticed, our economy isn’t doing very well. In spite of the fact that unemployment rates have reached the same rate that they were when Obama took office, 8.3%, the general outlook is still south of optimistic. I hate to speak in bumper stickers…but the 99% still isn’t exactly flourishing.

And what does Romney, who sadly enough, is looking like the Republican nominee,  propose? Brace yourselves. Seriously, this should be a ‘what the fuck’ moment in your lives. If it isn’t, defibrillate yourself.

According to the Tax Policy Center, a non-partisan institute, Romney’s tax plan would raise, that’s right folks, RAISE, taxes on households making less than $20,000 a year. Not individuals, HOUSEHOLDS with numerous people living within them. People…homo sapiens. And it would not only raise them, it would raise them by…wait for it…60%! 

I just shat myself. Did you? If not…again…the defibrillator.

But Romney’s tax plan is not all gloom and rain clouds, it would cut taxes for households making between 50 and 75K a year…by a whopping 2%! That equals about $250 dollars by the way…which those households could use to treat themselves to a new space heater or splurge on a luxury item like a year’s worth of indoor plumbing.

But the best part about R-money’s tax plan is what it does to bridge this income inequality gap. (Incidentally, I’ve already trademarked the term R-money so don’t use it without my express written consent which you will never get)

R-money’s tax plan would cut taxes for millionaires (yes, people making at least a million dollars a year) by 15%, resulting in an additional $146,000 a year that would land in the pockets of said millionaires…as opposed to the $250 dollars that would land in the pockets of the ‘mildly poor’, who are apparently just as little of a concern to Mitt as the ‘very poor.’

So what would equate to an $180 billion reduction in tax revenues per year would accomplish one goal, to…wait for it…that’s right, make rich people like Mitt Romney even richer. No wonder Donald Trump has recently latched onto Romney’s coattails.

So yet again, the GOP is held hostage by it’s own venom. With a message cloaked in racism and an unhealthy infusion of religion into politics, roughly fifty million republicans will vote AGAINST their own economic interests. They will vote AGAINST their financial future.

This has been and remains to be, the biggest and admittedly impressive coup d’etat of the Republican party…their ability to convince its caucus to cast their votes in favor of their own peril.

Goddamn that’s impressive!

How do you do that? How do you convince people to vote for a person that will make their lives harder?

Well, sadly enough, it’s actually not that difficult. You tell an uber-christian, homophobic, slightly more racist cross-section (a very large cross-section actually, most of the country) of the American populous that their president is a Muslim socialist and they will be considerably open to the idea. Tell those same voters that our president wants to kill God’s embryonic children, marry queers and give all your hard-earned money to pay for food stamps and welfare for minority crackheads and you will succeed in chalking up one more vote for the GOP…a party whose current presidential frontrunner’s plan for improving income inequality is to raise taxes on the poor and cut them for the rich.

What the fuck are you thinking Republican America?

Do you hate black people and homosexuals? If so, fine, hate them. But don’t let your hatred for them raise taxes on the poor and drastically minimize our social safety net while broadening income inequality for years to come.

Do you want to preserve the life of countless fetal souls? Then rear your children properly and keep them from getting impregnated. But don’t elect a political fuckdoll who has less of a soul than any embryo to begin with.

Obama wants to level the playing field and create a tax code that closes the inequality gap that has been growing for far too long. Voters of the United States of America, I implore, you…let him.   

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Everybody’s Gone Mormon…Mormon USA!!! (sung to the tune of the Beach Boys classic)

Following a commanding Romney victory in Florida, it is finally time for us to face our worst fears and surrender to them. On inauguration day, less than one year from now…we will be welcoming in our first Mormon president.

Perhaps what is most alarming about this is that a such a notion induces more confusion than fear. Well, that is because this country is very ignorant; especially in their knowledge of the Mormon faith. If they were blessed with my knowledge and foresight, they would be very afraid. I have seen the future once again…and it is terrifying. 

So take a voyage into a horrifying tomorrow. Journey with me…into a Mormon America.

But before you leave, put on a clean pair of Mormon magic panties. I am wearing mine. They will neutralize your mojo but they will protect you from evil and venereal disease.

I know this underwear is an easy target but never the less; it is one we need to hold under a microscope. Because beyond their general silliness are social and financial ramifications that will alter the landscape of America.

When Romney is elected, all Republican’s will be forced to convert to the Mormon faith. The Tea Party is running the Republican Party these days and after failing to come up with a Romney alternative of their own, they will have to team up with Mittens because a house divided amongst itself cannot defeat a black, Muslim incumbent.

So with roughly 55 million registered Republicans marching around in Mormon magic panties (I’ve trademarked that term so don’t even think about using it), the underwear industry will tank. Victoria’s Secret’s stock will plummet. Calvin Klein, likewise. Billions of dollars in taxable lingerie revenue will be lost. But more importantly…many people will simply stop having sex.

How do I know this? Easy. Would you fuck anyone wearing that?

I didn’t think so. So with less people having unprotected sex, that will result in less unwanted pregnancies, less childbirths, etcetera. Gerber stocks will take a dive and when Toys R Us declares bankruptcy, Geoffrey the giraffe will commit suicide.  OshKosh B’Gosh’s stranglehold on the child clothing market will finally be released and they will struggle to stay afloat.

Planned Parenthoods will close across the country and the abortion debate will disappear entirely, lending credibility to conservatives’ long-held and fallacious belief that women should not have control over their own bodies. This will both validate and vilify Mitt Romney's official position on the issue.

With countless people yearning for spiritual security, a nation-wide obsession with the ‘laying of hands’ will ensue. Bon Jovi’s “Lay Your Hands on Me” will catapult to the top of the Billboard charts where it will remain for the duration of the Romney administration, serving as a potent anecdote to Bieber Fever.

Polygamy will provide a convenient outlet for every American man suffering from commitment issues, most of whom are either horny Democrats, Catholic priests or sexually repressed Republican Senators. Mormonism’s numbers will double and The Real Housewives of New Jersey will be canceled, replaced by The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Nobody will watch that show either.

Children across the country will reluctantly be forced to tithe ten percent of their lunch money every day…and ten percent of their weekly allowance. This sudden influx of funds will make The Mormon Church the largest multi-national conglomerate in the country and with no other job prospects, Newt Gingrich will be employed as their chief consultant though not, I repeat, NOT a lobbyist. 

But the most devastating consequence of the Romney presidency will be his position as America’s foremost political AND spiritual leader. The already flimsy separation between Church and State will disintegrate entirely and with Mitt’s flip-flopping proclivities, his bully pulpit will be a very confusing place.

He will save our souls in his first term only to damn them during his re-election bid. He will vehemently defend both positions. His successful campaign to overturn Roe v. Wade will be rendered moot because no one is having sex anyway. A few years later, he will propose overturning it yet again, denying that he ever championed its reversal in the first place. In 2016, Republicans will conveniently forget this again as they support his re-election campaign because as a result of Herman Cain’s incarceration for sexually harassing a deep dish pizza, there are simply no other viable Republican candidates.

I wish my clairvoyant skills could foretell a more promising future. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there is still hope. Maybe Independent voters will figure out that returning our country to Bush-era policies will re-torpedo an economy that is actually showing signs of life. Maybe they will realize that the Mormon faith is a step away from Scientology and a vote for Mitt is akin to putting a Thetan in the White House. Maybe. Let us hope people. Let us always hope.

Monday, December 26, 2011

2012 – A Fear of Things to Come

As I sit here, blogging for the first time in weeks, I find myself admitting why I have been neglecting my literary proclivities. The year is drawing to a close and I am irrefutably petrified of what 2012 will bring. Be it political, pop-cultural or miscellaneous, I am scared shitless. And justifiably so. 

Will Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney be our next president? Either possibility is equally terrifying. Or maybe Sarah Palin will jump in late in the race, put lipstick on this pig of a Republican field and pull off the political upset of the century. Would that be better or worse than four years of Mormon jokes? Hard to say.

If Obama wins, what will his second term look like? Will he become the messiah we all thought he would be or at the very least grow a stronger backbone when dealing with Republican recalcitrance? Will his Health Care bill stand up in the Supreme Court? Or will the ruling passed down by a Roberts-led court serve as another spanking to an American populace that re-elected George W. Bush?  

Will the Democrats re-take the House or will things stay more or less the same with obstructionism and gridlock running rampant on Capital Hill? Can a recession-riddled middle class survive the latter? And can I fucking stomach it? Will John Boehner be stricken with a fatal case of bird, swine or goat flu? If not, does that serve as sufficient evidence that there is no God?

Are you there God? It's me Michael.
And speaking of God, will the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva finally succeed in locating evidence of the elusive God Particle, a.k.a. the Higgs Boson? And if it does, will that prove that God is not a man who lives in the sky and controls all our fates but is in fact merely a subatomic particle with a mass of roughly 121 billion electron volts that can only be measured, let alone worshipped, within the confines of a six billion dollar particle accelerator?

A scientific discovery of this magnitude would send shockwaves through the Vatican that would reverberate in the Bible Belt but would they be substantial enough to divert Newt Gingrinch from his crusade to unify, NOT SEPARATE, church and state? You know how immune to science and facts those damn God-mongers can be…especially when they are pandering to the Tea Party voting block.    

Will the Knicks somehow put together a complete roster to go along with their formidable frontcourt and can they accomplish the unthinkable by actually bringing an NBA championship to New York in my lifetime? If so, I might consider that to be evidence of a higher power, regardless of what the physicists in Geneva discover.

And why is God on my mind so much to begin with? Is it because Rick, Mitt and Newt are duking it out to see who can appear the godliest to cater to a right-wing base that would never vote for that Muslim black guy in the Oval Office anyway?

Or is it because in this economy, many on both sides of the aisle are saying that it would take a miracle for Obama to be re-elected. And even though I don’t believe in miracles, in this case I really want to.

And there are so many other unknowns that lie ahead.

Will America get its fiscal house in order? Doubtful.

Will Europe? Possibly.

Will I recover from the end of the Oprah Winfrey Show? No.

Will I recover from the cancellation of Lopez Tonight? Probably.

Will America complete its withdrawal from Iraq? Or will conditions destabilize and force the Joint Chiefs to rethink their strategy? Will Pakistan finally end this dysfunctional love triangle with Washington and the Taliban and choose once and for all who they want to commit to? Probably not. So does that mean that bombs will fall and predator drones will soar? I don’t know. But like I said, I’m quite scared.

In 2012, what is more likely…that Egypt will build a healthy democracy? Or that Simon Cowell will get assassinated by an X-Factor reject? My money is on a Cowell obituary. And while we’re on the topic of newspapers, which would get more headlines? A Kardashian wedding or a Kashmir genocide? It makes me furious that I am actually asking these questions and more so, anxious that I can’t answer them.

Iran appears to be buckling under the latest batch of sanctions. Will that deter their nuclear shenanigans or just piss Ahmadinejad off enough to do something terrible? 

I don’t know and part of me doesn’t care because he’s just so goddamn adorable! I know he’s a fascist who denied that the Holocaust ever happened but look at him! Don’t you just wanna cuddle up with him on a rainy afternoon and watch Lifetime Channel movies?

Will Tim Tebow finally admit that he and Jesus Christ are one and the same?

Will Casey Anthony admit that she and the Antichrist are one and the same?

What will happen in 2012?

Will these questions ever cease?

I guess we’ll find out soon enough. But whatever happens, always remember to ask questions. Happy Holidays y’all.