Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Jersey Shore: Now a Worldwide Epidemic

Have you ever seen the movie ‘Outbreak’? It chronicles the exploits of the Center for Disease Control as they attempt to contain the fictitious Mutaba virus within the small town of Cedar Creek, California. Why? Because they did not want the disease to spread to the rest of the country, let alone the entire world.

The Jersey Shore has gone international…and I want to know whose fucking fault it is. I want some accountability goddamnit. A virus, and yes the Jersey Shore is just that, will spread if not contained. And from the get-go, this disease was not contained. Conversely, it was given everything it needed to flourish; ratings, book deals, spin-offs and round the clock media coverage which I myself am contributing to at this very moment.

So kidding aside, who is to blame?

The New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services? Might a little penicillin have eliminated this bug? Probably not. Could they have released an army of hazmat-clad soldiers to man the borders of the Garden State to keep these morons from spreading and infecting more intelligent members of Americana? They could have at least tried.

Is the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce responsible? I am not sure which governing body determines what products are allowed to bare the proud seal of New Jersey but couldn’t they have intervened and said, ‘NO, THIS ABOMINATION OF A PROGRAM IS SIMPLY NOT WORTHY OF OUR JERSEY HERITAGE!’ Aaahh, who are we kidding. Jersey is an armpit and the very fact that a show proudly boasting of its lineage could be so immensely successful, is proof that a deeper, more systemic problem has taken hold. 

Could MTV be the cause and catalyst? They are responsible for the original green light that began all this. But simply releasing a disease into the population is not enough. It needs to spread. And that is where we come in. Me…my fellow humans. We have all let each other down. I take responsibility. And so should you.

But on the off chance that you will not volunteer your guilt, allow me to castigate you on this page. And some of you are more responsible than others.

Mike Petolino of Gotham Entertainment. You represent The Situation. You should be drawn and quartered for representing such a specimen and plastering his face across the labels of products the world over. It is the social equivalent of releasing Anthrax into the global water supply and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

I don’t care how much money he makes you, how do you sleep at night asshole? While we’re at it, shame on the following companies for choosing him as your poster-boy; Vitamin Water, Nox Edge, Reebok and last but not least, the company that actually created this:

SallyAnn Salsano created the Jersey Shore and her punishment should be death by firing squad followed by an eternity in hell, which, incidentally, is the perfect place to get a good suntan. 

MTV, you were obviously to blame for introducing these nimrods to the world and you could have stopped there. But you didn’t. You went ahead and created spin-offs for Snooki, J-Wow and Paully D. I would say that ‘you’re better than that MTV’ but let’s be honest, you’re really not. You’re trash and you suck so you’re pretty much giving us the best you’ve got. My advice, maybe start aiming a little higher? Sluts and douchebags could be your starting point but you can always strive for more. You just have to dream and then follow your dreams out of the gutter and into the clouds. Just a thought.

Simon and Schuster Publishing and everyone at their subsidiary Gallery Books; you should all be tried as war criminals for aiding, abetting and facilitating the publication of “A Shore Thing.” This “novel” was written by Snooki, who is hardly capable of speaking an intelligible sentence, let alone writing an entire book of them. I realize the e-book has slightly altered the landscape of commerce in literature but there is no need to bring it down to THIS level. Reading was and still is to an extent, a medium for thirsty, malleable intellects looking to expand their minds…who are you to leave them shrunken and atrophied?

Now, I would hate for the responsible parties to escape into the shadows so below are a list of the people who played a large role in the publication of this stain upon American literature. If you see them in public, throw something at them. Tomatoes, dead sewer rats, bricks. Anything.

Lauren McKenna-Executive Editor at Gallery Books
Jeremie Ruby-Strauss-Senior Editor at Gallery Books
Scott Miller-Agent at Trident Media who negotiated WORLD RIGHTS. Save the brick for him.

World rights. That brings us back to the purpose of this post. The Jersey Shore has moved to Florence. Florence…renowned the world over for its breadth of art, architecture and culture. And we sent these orange mongoloids there for the summer. I don’t know who is more to blame; America for sending them…or Italy for receiving them.

Couldn’t someone have stopped this? The Italian Consulate? The United Nations? The FAA? Isn’t knowingly transporting infectious diseases across national borders the equivalent of terrorism via germ warfare? Why didn’t someone, anyone, do anything to prevent this?

You know, for all my pissing and moaning, maybe I am just projecting. Maybe I am to blame. I just spent an hour of my life writing this post. I could have spent that hour reading to blind children or working at a soup kitchen. I could have spent that hour reciting poetry to my penis. That would have been more productive than giving these people more attention and press than they have already.

So who is to blame? We all are. James Madison, you are to blame for formally introducing the Bill of Rights that included the First Amendment. Democracy, you are to blame for denying the existence of American dictatorships that might have suppressed reality programming. Paris Hilton, you are to blame for suggesting that hot, stupid people should be deified, emulated and followed in the press. And anyone who has ever tuned into any reality show of any sort, you are to blame. Lastly, anyone, myself included, who has ever ranted about it in the blogosphere…we are to blame. We are all spreading the disease. And we should all be sterilized.  

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