One Year From Election Night…And it’s Anybody’s Ballgame!

So here we are, roughly a year from the elections of 2012. The Republican Primaries have not even begun and The New York Times Magazine is already handicapping the elections based on the hodgepodge of misfits the GOP has put forth thus far.

Media pundits from both sides of the aisle are already slinging hyperbolic last rights for our president. So...is he a lame duck? A dead duck? The Chosen One Begotten? Or the latest incarnation of The Come Back Kid?

So much to discuss.

Let’s start with this shape-shifting GOP field that gets blurrier the more it comes into focus and the current frontrunner just might be, hold the laughter please, Herman ‘9-9-9, ummm, make that 9-0-9, or was it 9 pies for $9.99 or 9 women for $99,999’ Cain.

Where the white bitches at?

Oh Herman, my brutha from anotha mutha. You ornery little rascal with a trail of shredded sexual harassment suits in your wake. How can I even attempt to take you seriously?

You’re right, I can’t. 

So I won’t. Moving on.

Will that highest of glass ceilings finally be smashed after Hillary put “eighteen million cracks” in it? If so, is Michelle Bachman the one to do it? You know, there are moments where I contemplate that…and whether such a victory would be a victory for women around the world and a victory for America. And maybe that victory is worth celebrating. But then I remember all that she stands for. And if that’s not enough…all I have to do is look at this.

WARNING!  If you stare at this picture for 66.6 seconds straight without blinking, you will either explode, turn to stone or be sent to an inter-dimensional netherworld where you will become the middle of a human centipede, book-ended by Miss Bachman in the front and Jesus Christ in the rear. You will spend eternity there.

Okay, we all know that the crazy-eyed baby-collector has no chance in hell so I’ll ask an important question. Is America ready for another moron from Texas? Was eight years of Texan idiocy enough? I look at Rick Perry and I have two thought; one – fuck, that guy is really handsome. And two – fuck, that guy is really stupid.

So does America want stupidity back in the White House? Does America want shit-brained swagger back in the Oval Office? I don’t think so. And judging by the worst of his consistently pitiful debate performances, that swagger is not likely to return. So I’ll ask another question because, like I say, it’s important to ask questions.

Is America ready for a Mormon President?

I didn’t believe America was ready for a black president before Obama changed history but this is different. At least I know what black people are. I see them every day and nothing about them confuses or scares me. Excluding the possibility of a Herman Cain presidency which, let’s be honest, isn’t much of a possibility at all. Just thinking about it makes me giggle.

But…Mormons. I don’t really know how I feel about them. I put them somewhere between born-again Christians and Scientologists and, like many, I have a few small problems with the whole ‘magic panty onesie’ thing they wear.

Mormon Magic Panties - Sure to annihilate any
semblance of evil, sexuality or political conviction.

Call me simple but I just can’t look at Mitt and not wonder if he is wearing one of these fuckers under his very expensive suit.

Poor Mitt. No matter how consistently and flip-floppingly he goes about his business, the GOP is still resisting embracing him. And he is, by far, the most viable of the front-running candidates…which is somewhat remarkable considering the fact that he is a political cyborg with no convictions, opinions, heart, backbone or personality.

So which of these candidates poses the greatest threat to Obama? According to the article I referenced earlier, it’s actually John Huntsman.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/magazine/nate-silver-handicaps-2012-election.html?pagewanted=all

But, if we are to predict the future based on the present political climate, Huntsman is far too sane and centrist to be taken seriously by this Tea Party-fueled GOP. Which is good news for the Democrats and bad news for Republicans.

The article was not very optimistic about Obama’s odds. But I cannot help but believe in his chances for a second term. The alternative is too unsettling. So what does Barry have to do to get himself another four years?

Well, for starters, he has to have a great fucking year. A great fucking year. And so does the American economy. Will it rebound or at least show modest signs of improvement? Obama better hope so.

Can Obama refine his message? If not, Bill Clinton is trying to do it for him. Just read his latest book and, if you buy the reviews, you will hear the message loud and clear that Obama has failed to project.

And what is his message exactly? That’s the problem. If he has one, he has not explained it to the American people. He has not adequately sold it…and henceforth Americans have not bought it. 

So I’m gonna help you out Mr. Obama…because I know you read my blog. And I know you value the highly informed advice of a bartender with a Communications degree.

But seriously, here’s what you’ve got to do in the next year.

The Republicans in Congress will never pass any jobs bill, as they have already illustrated. They will not give you or Democrats any legislative victory so you need to make America understand that the Republican would sooner see American workers whither if it helps their party rise. You need to remind us that not only are Republicans responsible for driving us into this economic shitstorm, they are also doing everything in their power to prevent us from steering out of it and they are doing it for political gain.

Your Foreign Policy victories are numerous and impressive. You responsibly intervened in Libya. You are bringing our troupes home from Iraq. And you killed the motherfucker that Bush couldn’t. Our economy sucks but our country is safer because of you. Make us feel the safety you have provided and make us appreciate it.

Moving along.

Have you noticed all these little Occupy movements? Well, they may not be able to articulate what they want buy I can. They want policies that favor the working American, not corporations and rich people. This is a clear message and although your policy agenda has reflected this, you have not clearly drawn this comparison. So do it. Use their energy to feed the values you champion.

You are trying to create jobs by having rich people and corporations foot the bill. This is a worthy cause that should be an easy sell to the public. But you’re not fucking selling it! So sell it!

The GOP candidates don’t want to raise one single tax ever again. They are extreme, they are unreasonable, they are crazy. Make people realize this. It is as clear as day that their  obstructionism, extremism and unprecedented rigidity is not what America needs right now. Make us see it.

Remember that fire you had in you when you delivered your speech about the Jobs Bill that had no chance of passing Congress? You need that fire to burn for the next year. America thinks your soft Barry. So get hard. Get angry, get hard and get serious.

Because the Republican are not serious. But they can still whip your ass a year from now if you don’t raise your game.

Do you hear me Mr. President? Probably not. But I thought I’d say it anyway.