Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Everybody’s Gone Mormon…Mormon USA!!! (sung to the tune of the Beach Boys classic)

Following a commanding Romney victory in Florida, it is finally time for us to face our worst fears and surrender to them. On inauguration day, less than one year from now…we will be welcoming in our first Mormon president.

Perhaps what is most alarming about this is that a such a notion induces more confusion than fear. Well, that is because this country is very ignorant; especially in their knowledge of the Mormon faith. If they were blessed with my knowledge and foresight, they would be very afraid. I have seen the future once again…and it is terrifying. 

So take a voyage into a horrifying tomorrow. Journey with me…into a Mormon America.

But before you leave, put on a clean pair of Mormon magic panties. I am wearing mine. They will neutralize your mojo but they will protect you from evil and venereal disease.

I know this underwear is an easy target but never the less; it is one we need to hold under a microscope. Because beyond their general silliness are social and financial ramifications that will alter the landscape of America.

When Romney is elected, all Republican’s will be forced to convert to the Mormon faith. The Tea Party is running the Republican Party these days and after failing to come up with a Romney alternative of their own, they will have to team up with Mittens because a house divided amongst itself cannot defeat a black, Muslim incumbent.

So with roughly 55 million registered Republicans marching around in Mormon magic panties (I’ve trademarked that term so don’t even think about using it), the underwear industry will tank. Victoria’s Secret’s stock will plummet. Calvin Klein, likewise. Billions of dollars in taxable lingerie revenue will be lost. But more importantly…many people will simply stop having sex.

How do I know this? Easy. Would you fuck anyone wearing that?

I didn’t think so. So with less people having unprotected sex, that will result in less unwanted pregnancies, less childbirths, etcetera. Gerber stocks will take a dive and when Toys R Us declares bankruptcy, Geoffrey the giraffe will commit suicide.  OshKosh B’Gosh’s stranglehold on the child clothing market will finally be released and they will struggle to stay afloat.

Planned Parenthoods will close across the country and the abortion debate will disappear entirely, lending credibility to conservatives’ long-held and fallacious belief that women should not have control over their own bodies. This will both validate and vilify Mitt Romney's official position on the issue.

With countless people yearning for spiritual security, a nation-wide obsession with the ‘laying of hands’ will ensue. Bon Jovi’s “Lay Your Hands on Me” will catapult to the top of the Billboard charts where it will remain for the duration of the Romney administration, serving as a potent anecdote to Bieber Fever.

Polygamy will provide a convenient outlet for every American man suffering from commitment issues, most of whom are either horny Democrats, Catholic priests or sexually repressed Republican Senators. Mormonism’s numbers will double and The Real Housewives of New Jersey will be canceled, replaced by The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Nobody will watch that show either.

Children across the country will reluctantly be forced to tithe ten percent of their lunch money every day…and ten percent of their weekly allowance. This sudden influx of funds will make The Mormon Church the largest multi-national conglomerate in the country and with no other job prospects, Newt Gingrich will be employed as their chief consultant though not, I repeat, NOT a lobbyist. 

But the most devastating consequence of the Romney presidency will be his position as America’s foremost political AND spiritual leader. The already flimsy separation between Church and State will disintegrate entirely and with Mitt’s flip-flopping proclivities, his bully pulpit will be a very confusing place.

He will save our souls in his first term only to damn them during his re-election bid. He will vehemently defend both positions. His successful campaign to overturn Roe v. Wade will be rendered moot because no one is having sex anyway. A few years later, he will propose overturning it yet again, denying that he ever championed its reversal in the first place. In 2016, Republicans will conveniently forget this again as they support his re-election campaign because as a result of Herman Cain’s incarceration for sexually harassing a deep dish pizza, there are simply no other viable Republican candidates.

I wish my clairvoyant skills could foretell a more promising future. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there is still hope. Maybe Independent voters will figure out that returning our country to Bush-era policies will re-torpedo an economy that is actually showing signs of life. Maybe they will realize that the Mormon faith is a step away from Scientology and a vote for Mitt is akin to putting a Thetan in the White House. Maybe. Let us hope people. Let us always hope.

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