Friday, April 13, 2012

In Mitt They Trust - Finally…A Candidate Emerges…Sort Of

Can you hear it? If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint shrieks of 1.5 million home-schooled evangelical Christians. You can hear creationists, pro-lifers and Tea Party zealots from the Bible Belt to Wasilla crying out in one unified and desperate plea, screaming a question that will never be answered…’Rick, why have you forsaken me?!’

Why? The answer is actually pretty simple and I’m gonna go ahead and provide it for you. It’s because God doesn’t really like these people as much as they’d like to think. And furthermore, God, even with all his omnipotence, cannot in and of him or herself, win a primary when a general election looms on the horizon.

This is good news!!!

Well, not for attendees of Jesus Camp or people who agree with Santorum’s claim that college is for snobs and GEDs and elbow grease will lead us into the future. But it is great news for those who identify themselves as moderate, centrist, independent, reasonable and/or sane.

Because now we can get serious. Barring an unprecedented rise from the ashes by Newt; which, given Romney’s general unlikability is not completely impossible, we can now officially anoint Mitt as the GOP nominee. Wait a second… Is Ron Paul even running anymore? I honestly don’t know. If not, I’ll miss him. He’s kind of adorable and he makes me giggle.

Moving along. So the race to the extreme right is over and the wooing of conservatives has crescendoed in conclusive failure. Is that even a term? If not, let us anoint this political moment as such…a conclusive failure…evidence that pandering to the extreme right does not win elections and doing so is a waste of time for EVERYONE. Democrats and Republicans.

Because trying to out-Christian each other will not augment or enhance our fragile yet modestly improving economy. Doing so is futile anyway because Romney is Mormon and let’s be honest, that’s not exactly a cult…but it ain’t exactly Christian either.

Proudly flashing your mega-pro-life credentials will not spur productive discourse about how to handle Iran, how to intervene in Syria should the situation continue to deteriorate or how to continue fighting terrorists in Afghanistan and beyond.

Seeing who can out-fellate Paul Ryan’s fantastically preposterous budget will not bring us any closer to a budget that has a remote chance of passing both houses of a Senate that has not been playing very nicely with each other.

Finding out who can shout “Drill, baby drill!” the loudest will not bring us any closer to energy independence nor will debating how many gunracks can fit in the trunk of a Volt help prevent another Trayvon Martin incident.

So let’s get serious. Finally.

Let’s talk about the vast differences of an incumbent president who embraces the Buffet Rule as a foundation for tax reform; one that will help bridge the ever-widening equality gap. Then let’s talk about the guy who made a pretty damn good living chopping up companies and laying off the spare parts…errr, I mean, people.

Since the right is so obsessed with morals and character, let’s talk about a president who set Health Care Reform at the top of an ambitious agenda right in the middle of a financial meltdown he helped mitigate. Then let’s discuss the moral character of a man who tied a diarrhetic dog to the roof of his fucking car.

Let’s talk about an incumbent that killed Osama bin Laden and helped backseat drive Libya into stability then let’s talk about the guy who thinks earning $374,000 in speaking fees in one year is “not very much” money.

Listen to Barry sing two lines of Al Green and then listen to Mittens singing ‘America the Beautiful’ in a failed attempt to sound like a homo sapien instead of the spineless, flip-flopping automaton that he is.

Let’s talk. Let’s seriously talk about these two very different men, their vastly different worldviews and their startlingly different ideas for our country.

Let’s talk, and I’m not joking, about whether or not Mitt Romney honestly believes that his underwear will protect him from evil spirits, temptations of the flesh or increases in Medicaid costs. Because if the Republican presidential nominee believes in divine super-panties, that is something voters should know before going into a booth and casting their ballot.

Let’s talk about a president that passed the largest Health Care overhaul in American history. And then let’s talk about a Massachusetts governor who passed the same fucking thing but lacks the conviction to admit it proudly because doing so would be politically inconvenient in a primary climate governed by extremism not by logic and certainly not by compassion.

It’s time to start seriously talking about the choices facing this country. I will miss the silliness. But it’s time to get serious nonetheless.

Granted, that would be easier if the Republican candidate weren’t such a fucking joke.

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